Friday, August 28, 2009

Limiting the Gene Pool, One Nut Shot at a Time

In case you haven't noticed, it's Friday... and time for your weekly distraction from work. This week's gem comes from my proclivity for watching human trainwreck videos on YouTube. For the most part I enjoy watching people suffer the consequences of their own idiotic actions, and this compilation video of guys taking themselves out of the reproductive pool allowed me to do just that.

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Thursday, August 13, 2009

In Which I Lampoon the Renaissance Faire...

If you live in the U.S., you know that August through October is Renaissance Faire season. That's not to say that there aren't Ren Faires at other times of the year - in fact they can be held year-round depending on the venue - but it seems that late summer through fall tends to be the busiest time for these weekend retreats into the middle ages.

With apologies to any of my friends and family who may be offended, I must say that I do not understand the appeal of Renaissance Faires and, quite frankly, I have a really hard time taking them seriously. So, after passing a billboard for an upcoming "RenFaire" on the highway last night I decided to come up with some catchy new slogans for these now seemingly ubiquitous events. Admittedly, most of these slogans take advantage of the various stereotypes and stigmas associated with Renaissance Faires and the people who attend them; clearly, I know that not all people fit the molds cast by such judgements... but, admittedly, without said stereotypes and stigmas I'd have no funny material to use.

Here are my slogan ideas:
  • "Your local Renaissance Faire: promoting abstinence-only sex education since 1982!"
  • "RenFaire: Another weekend. Another swordfight with the guys."
  • "Renaissance Faire: Why have sex when you could be LARP-ing instead?"
  • "RenFaire 2009: Where violence against women is not only acceptable, it's encouraged!"
  • "RenFaire: Keeping the Halloween Store in business year-round since 1995."
  • "Renaissance Faire: Crushing parents' dreams of having normal children since 1984."
  • "The Renaissance Faire: Where everyone understands that Middle English crap you speak."
  • "Renaissance Faire: Why meet women when you can wrestle with men in tights?"
  • "RenFaire: It's not the size of your sword that matters, it's how you use it."
  • "RenFaire: When you just can't make it to Medieval Times..."
  • "Ladies, come to RenFaire, where EVERY man is an eligible bachelor. Guaranteed."
  • "RenFaire: Where you can always find a noble man (and his mother)."
  • "Renaissance Faire: Enabling adults' fantasies of moving out of their parents' houses since 1992."

Have a few slogan ideas of your own? Hit up the comments section and give it your best shot...

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Friday, May 8, 2009

Stop Working and Take a Wii Break

I was going to call in sick with the swine flu today (first sunny day in a week here in Philly...), but I thought that would be a disservice to people who hate their jobs more than I do — namely that guy who has to mop up the peep show booths.

Anyway, you're at work right now and let's face it: you wish you weren't. I can't give you the swine flu, but I can give you some funny vids to help you pass the time. Since I'm a big fan of the Nintendo Wii I decided that all of today's videos will have a Wii theme...

And here... we... go!

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hump Day 5/6/09

Hopefully you're not feeling the pain this morning from too much tequila last night... but if you are, here's a Borat clip to get you going this morning.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

What Did the Five Fingers Say to the Face?

So in the spirit of yesterday's Slap Chop remix I'm bringing you yet another remix that I found on YouTube today.

For those of you who know of Chappelle's Show, the scene from which this is derived should be instantly recognizable...

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Monday, May 4, 2009

You're Gonna Love My Nuts!

I don't know why, but I just can't stop watching Steve Porter's remix of the Slap Chop commercial (featuring our friend Vince, who's no stranger to the Slap Chop himself). Just thought I'd share...

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Guilt of the Day 5/4/09: Carve Deeper Next Time

There seems to be little debate these days about the state of our education system in the U.S.: it's broken, plain and simple. Why? Well, many parents want to blame teachers, and although they're not always wrong in doing so, many times placing blame on teachers is misguided. Having once stood in front of a classroom of teenagers myself, I can say that 99.9% of the time teachers are trying to look out for every student's best interests in the classroom. And, to be honest, every state-certified teacher I've ever met is at least qualified to teach the roughly 70% of students who fall into the "average" range of aptitude (sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jones, but your kid most likely falls into that 70% and is not really special).

But, nonetheless, our education system is broken.

Case in point: Carlos Polanco, a Los Angeles teacher who ridiculed one of his students for his failed attempt to commit suicide allegedly told the student to "carve deeper next time," kept his job following the incident despite the fact that the LA School Board voted to fire him.

Really? Seriously??? Yes. Seriously.

In a nutshell, Mr. Polanco was able to keep his job because of beaurocratic policies that allow terminations to be overturned, among other things.

Unfortunately, situations like these are fairly commonplace, especially among unionized school districts — it can take several years and tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to terminate a teacher who is performing poorly in the classroom; in some instances even teachers who commit the most egregious acts are put on paid furlough indefinitely until a final decision is made regarding their termination.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that most teachers who are involved in misconduct, like Mr. Polanco, get to keep their jobs because it is both too costly and too time-consuming to make a strong enough case for termination against such a teacher.

My opinion is that teachers' unions wield far too much power for their own good, and will often come to the aid of their members who conduct themselves in a manner unbecoming of the classroom while rallying around the war cry of wrongful termination. Because let's face it: if they allow a teacher to be fired for making fun of a kid who tried to kill himself, then the next thing you know school districts will want to fire teachers because they suck at their jobs.

Can't have that, now can we?

(source: LA Times via Fark)

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