Guilt of the Day 5/4/09: Carve Deeper Next Time

There seems to be little debate these days about the state of our education system in the U.S.: it's broken, plain and simple. Why? Well, many parents want to blame teachers, and although they're not always wrong in doing so, many times placing blame on teachers is misguided. Having once stood in front of a classroom of teenagers myself, I can say that 99.9% of the time teachers are trying to look out for every student's best interests in the classroom. And, to be honest, every state-certified teacher I've ever met is at least qualified to teach the roughly 70% of students who fall into the "average" range of aptitude (sorry Mr. and Mrs. Jones, but your kid most likely falls into that 70% and is not really special).

But, nonetheless, our education system is broken.

Case in point: Carlos Polanco, a Los Angeles teacher who ridiculed one of his students for his failed attempt to commit suicide allegedly told the student to "carve deeper next time," kept his job following the incident despite the fact that the LA School Board voted to fire him.

Really? Seriously??? Yes. Seriously.

In a nutshell, Mr. Polanco was able to keep his job because of beaurocratic policies that allow terminations to be overturned, among other things.

Unfortunately, situations like these are fairly commonplace, especially among unionized school districts — it can take several years and tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars to terminate a teacher who is performing poorly in the classroom; in some instances even teachers who commit the most egregious acts are put on paid furlough indefinitely until a final decision is made regarding their termination.

Even more unfortunate is the fact that most teachers who are involved in misconduct, like Mr. Polanco, get to keep their jobs because it is both too costly and too time-consuming to make a strong enough case for termination against such a teacher.

My opinion is that teachers' unions wield far too much power for their own good, and will often come to the aid of their members who conduct themselves in a manner unbecoming of the classroom while rallying around the war cry of wrongful termination. Because let's face it: if they allow a teacher to be fired for making fun of a kid who tried to kill himself, then the next thing you know school districts will want to fire teachers because they suck at their jobs.

Can't have that, now can we?

(source: LA Times via Fark)

Guilt of the Day 4/20/09: Vegas TSA Officials = EPIC FAIL

Keep this in the back of your mind the next time you're hopping on a flight out of McCaren Airport: the guy sitting next to you may have checked a bomb on board. That's right, I said it: B-O-M-B.

Just when you thought those 9/11 Security Fees you've been paying for the last 7 years have been put to good use, it turns out that we apparently have some stupid motherfuckers working for the TSA. A U.S. Marine was arrested on Sunday at Logan Airport in Boston after it was discovered that he had an undeclared handgun in his checked luggage, along with "several boxes of 9 mm and 7.62 mm ammunition, three model rocket engines containing an explosive mixture, military pull-type fuses, switches, electronics kit boxes with various components, and a hand grenade fuse assembly with detonator," according to the article on Boston.com.

You might be thinking that I'm wrong - clearly the TSA was doing its job. Nope. This military man's sojourn in Boston was a LAYOVER. His originating flight was out of Las Vegas, NV, where apparently TSA officials were completely blind to the collection of guns and ammo in the man's suitcase. In fact, the only reason that this man's paraphenalia was discovered is that baggage handlers mistakenly sent his luggage to baggage claim rather than routing it to his connecting flight to Charlotte, NC. Were it not for that mistake, the Marine would have successfully transported a semi-automatic handgun, ammunition for said handgun, and all the fixin's necessary to build a homemade explosive device across the U.S. without being detected.

Homeland Security my ass. I want my tax dollars back.

(source: Boston.com)

Guilt of the Day 4/15/09: File Under: You Can't Make This Shit Up

Mothers take note: beware the next time your kid threatens to bust a cap in yo' ass if you don't give them $2. They're probably not kidding.

A guy by the name of Fred Bertrang slashed his mother with a knife and then proceeded to fire several rounds from his AK-47 into her leg because she wouldn't give him $2 for cover at a bar. Hasn't this guy ever heard of pan-handling? Taking advantage of his friends? Getting paid for oral sex down at the truck stop? I'm sure some combination of those three things could have gotten him his $2, without the need for firearms.

Sadly, our dear friend Fred lacked the good sense to hob some knob for $2 and instead decided it was a better idea to inflict harm upon others. I can relate. Last week one of my co-workers was making this really annoying sound with his fingers on the keyboard before I'd finished my coffee, so I picked up my letter opener and stabbed him in the eye until he stopped moving. Actually, I'm just kidding - the annoying sound part never really happened.

(source: JSOnline)

Guilt of the Day 4/14/09: Couple from Norway Multitasks

You know, often times when I'm driving in to work I think to myself "I could be doing more right now." Unfortunately, it hadn't occurred to me until now that I could be copulating (with someone other than myself) while driving.

Apparently DWF, or Driving While Fucking, is no longer the stuff of cinema nor legend — and it can get your license revoked. A couple from Norway was pulled over after officers observed the car "driving erratically" and speeding. I can imagine that having your girlfriend's ass bumping into the steering wheel repeatedly will lead to some "erratic" driving.

Anyway, after filming the sex act taking place for "evidence" (yeah right, $10 says those cops have already made copies for all their buddies), police officers pulled the couple over and immediately suspended the license of the gentleman who was operating the vehicle. Must have been a lady cop. A male cop would have given the guy an attaboy and sent him on his way, unless the female passenger was the cop's wife... but if that were the case then the story probably would have been about two missing Norwegians last seen DWF on the highway.

(source: CNN)

Guilt Of The Day 3/3/09: School Superintendent is a Swinger

We've all been fired from a job at some point for doing something incredibly stupid. Me? Well, let's just say I wrote an email that I should have reviewed more carefully before clicking "Send." I'm sure you can pause and reflect for a moment on your own misdoings that got you canned...

...And then rest assured that whatever you did was NOWHERE NEAR AS STUPID as what Michael Bull, former Glynn County (GA) School District Superintendent did. Apparently Mr. Bull thought it would be a good idea to send sexually explicit email responses to Craigslist personal ads from his EMPLOYER-PROVIDED blackberry.



I'm a civilized person so I'll try as best as I can not to crack any jokes about the single-digit IQ that this confederate flag-waving, snuff-chewing, gun-toting, all-around-southern-stereotype-fulfilling redneck must have in order to have thought to himself: "Hey, I bet no one will find out if I use the blackberry that my EMPLOYER gave me to send messages like 'let's do this' and 'slave' to various men, women, and couples that have posted ads on Craigslist seeking companionship."

I mean, seriously, I don't even think about looking at or sending anything that's NSFW when I'm at work — not because I think that someone will spot me doing it but because there's always that chance that someone, somewhere might take a peek at our network data to find out what we're doing. As a result, I really don't understand why this douche nozzle couldn't just wait to get home to get his rocks off, but then again maybe he thought that using his work blackberry to send salacious emails was a better use of taxpayers' money.

But here's the kicker: as if it isn't bad enough that this window licker was using his work blackberry to send text porn to strangers, the guy is married and has 2 kids! I feel truly sorry for the poor sucker that married this a-hole, and I'm even sorrier that she gave birth to his kids.

If Michael Bull had any sense whatsoever he'd go grab one of his guns from his gun rack and use it to spare his family any more humiliation or misery at his expense. But, of course, that's just my opinion.

Guilt Of The Day 2/27/09: Kevin Pollak Does His First (and Hopefully Last) Vlog

Alright Mr. Pollak, you put the challenge out there — so I'll bite. Your first attempt at a YouTube vlog was, well, let's just say it was not award-worthy. In fact, I would say it's not even worthy of the time you spent making it nor the time I wasted watching it. My conclusion: you're doing it wrong.

Now, don't take this the wrong way Kevin (may I call you Kevin?); I am not a "hater" — quite the contrary — I typically enjoy your work. Maybe that's why I felt so cheated by your first vlog. The lighting was poor, the Simpsons poster in the background was tacky, and like Dustin Hoffman you should've left the hat out of it.

As for the content of your video... let's face it: there are so many others who've done Oscar commentary already, and it has pretty much all been better than yours. I mean, you're a comedian, aren't you? Do you mean to tell me that you couldn't have come up with something, anything, better than a mediocre impression of Walken (Yours is better than Spacey's, but Jay Mohr's is the best IMHO) and terrible impressions of Arkin and Shatner (Your Shatner isn't bad, but you could have at least made it relevant). I know impressions are your "thing" Kevin, but yours need more polish overall. Work on that, won't you?

I have some tips for your next vlog Kevin:

1. Lose the hat. It makes you look ol... nevermind.
2. Lose the Simpsons poster, too.
   
3. See that light on your desk? TURN IT ON.
4. Write content that's a) relevant and b) actually funny.
5. In general, stop using bad and/or stale impressions and BE MORE FUNNY.
   

Yours Truly,
Brian
iamguiltyof.com

New Blog Feature: Guilt of the Day

I've decided to add a new feature to iamguiltyof.com... Guilt of the Day. Yes, I know, just about everyone in the blogosphere has a "________ of the Day" post — I wasn't trying to claim points for originality.

So here's how it works: every day I will post a new Guilt of the Day along with whatever I feel like saying about it. Most of the GOTD (holy crap, an acronym already!) will be collected from the Daily Confessional RSS Feed (hint: keep your confessions rolling in). However, some days I will post something topical from the day's events.

If you'd like to help out with this post feel free to send links to articles, videos, pictures, etc. to info(at)iamguiltyof(dot)com or use the feedback form to send your stuff.

Brian